And this is the down-swing of bipolar

You probably haven’t noticed yet, but you soon may. I will go through days where I have so much on my brain I will likely post several times a day. The words will flow so rapidly I often lose track of what subject I began writing about before I even finish writing. Other days like today, I don’t have much, nor do I want to say much. These are my low days. Where I would like to just sit in my room, phone on silent and Netflix it up for a good 48 or so hours. See the difference between my bipolar diagnosis and the most common diagnosis is that mine has a little “-type2” right behind the diagnosis. Meaning that like most people who suffer from bipolar, I get horrible periods of depression. Unlike most, though, I don’t get the mania or “highs” many patients describe. They will go through periods of feeling completely amazing. Like they are flying on cloud 9. They seem to feel almost indestructible. All before crashing down into the lowest states of depression a person could imagine. Imagine a happiness depression scale that goes from 1-10. 1 being the lowest place of depression. The suicidal part. Imagine 10 being the happiest you could possibly imagine yourself. Like everything is absolutely perfect in life, and there is zero way anything could possibly go wrong to change it. You have no worries at all. Normal people would probably say they normally range between maybe 4 and 8 right?  I’m just guessing here, there is no science behind these numbers, just my educated opinion. Bipolar type 1 patients would likely say they range the entire scale, and up and down and up and down. Bipolar type 2-ME- I would say I range everywhere from 1 to 5. My “highs” are only high in relation to my baseline which I would say is about a 3. I don’t feel suicidal normally, but feeling true joy seems to be beyond my emotional capacities. Even when I’m properly medicated. Thankfully, the diagnosis also means for me that I have less of the dangerous thrill-seeking behavior so may BP’s suffer from. Although clearly, some of that behavior still exists, whether it be from my mental illness or if is is just part of my personality. Which in my opinion can be quite intertwined, A mental illness does not define a person, but I believe that the illness does affect many of the ways we experience life, there in part helping shape ourselves and personalities…blah blah blah. sorry for that.

Anyway on my good days, I want to write, think, discuss, and delve. On my bad days…well I’ll see you on my good days.

Just a thought, I started wrtiting to chronicle my mission into amateur pornography, and it seems that it is morphing into me taking a deeper look into my own sickness. It’s not what I set out for, but it’s what is happening. I feel I must be true to whatever path this takes. You may get some of this, you may get some of that

 

Haven’t taken my meds yet

I realized after my last post that although I described in short what happened during the shoot, I didn’t describe how it felt while doing it. That’s the point of this, right now anyway. My points change often. I hope there is someone out there who is able to keep up in my random. 

When the shoot started, I was super turned on at first. Kam and I had done short recordings of stuff like this, just for ourselves, with no intention of ever posting it anywhere. Then when the sex began, I did get much more aroused knowing his go pro was seeing everything he’s seeing. All of the raw bits. I like it a lot. So did he, that part didn’t last long. He finished a little quickly. That part was disappointing, but I didn’t dare tell him. That would be super hurtful, plus it was his first time experiencing the lights, several cams, and me in all of my stripper glory. It was more than likely a bit overwhelming to him. But he says he enjoyed his orgasm more than he’s ever enjoyed one before. He’s getting there. 

It’s been running through my head,why wasn’t I as excited as I thought I would be? I’ve concluded its because I want to do live Cam. Much more that I want to record and post. The fact that anything can happen entices me to no end.

During the shoot yesterday, I ended up removing my mask. I left the wig on, but I just couldn’t be comfortable in the mask. I think the think that sets my site apart from someone else’s is rare from what I can see, many girls don’t want to be on campus at all. I actually do. I think that shows, but with questions mask you can’t see my eyes. I want to share these emotions, and the best way is with my eyes. I like my face. Now, at 36 more than I ever have. I feel beautiful. I feel sexy. I want to show it off now, I spent too much time hiding myself in my younger years. I next to break out. The mask was a hindrance. The wig may go too. Who knows.

Some might wonder, what about people recognizing me? The site I work with,allows users to block entire areas of users, including states and countries. I’ve blocked any I’ve ever been associated with, especially my home state. I know this doesn’t guarantee a thing, it’s the internet after all, but I figure if someone comes across one of my boss or pics, they were looking for such material. They’d have no room to judge,lol.it wouldn’t be the end of the world for me. 

Underwhelming 

So, we did it! We shot our first pornographic video. He had a go pro, we had our web Cam on, and we had out Nikon shooting another angle. I took my time with the set up. Put curtains all around so you can’t see anything personal in our room where we record. I set all kinds of lights up. I’d read that lighting is super important. I mean it was all super ghetto. Just old lamps, wins some color changing led lights. Once thru was set up, I got myself ready. I wore a wig and mask to hide my identity. I have a particular tattoo that is very personal that I too cover up. And so the shoot begins… I have kam take some stills of me, before we start. Then we record ourselves while we smoke dab (weed concentrate). I haven’t mentioned it before that both kam and I very much enjoy smoking flowers and dab. It helps calm so many symptoms, that year’s before I was taking too man prescribed drugs to even count. Now in down to 2 meds at night and one in the morning. I don’t feel like a zombie. The weight gain i had from some previous meds is slowly going away. I’d rather self medicate with weed than put thousands of more man made chemicals in my body than is absolutely necessary for my self. Now in not saying anyone should stop the meds and pick up a bong. Like I said, I DO still take my meds. I’m just able to take less types and at lower doses. 

Sorry for the rant, and please know I live in a state where marijuana has been legalized for recreational use. Don’t go breaking laws people. 

Back to the video, after we smoked, I gave him head, while he record. It went from there. It lasted maybe 20 mins, with camera adjustments, set adjustments and prop adjustments. He finished. I didn’t. So I continued on by myself while recording. Then that was that. Now I’ve got of bunch of editing to do. The real work. See I don’t want to put crap out there. I can’t help all my loose jiggles, nor his belly but I’d liked to create a well made product. That being said, I have ZERO clue as to what in doing when it comes to editing. I’ve got a bunch of learning to do. 

Solitary Confinement 

I started writing this, whatever, 3 days ago thinking I would chronicle my journey or UN-journey into a career in amateur porn. I’ve come to realize I like being able to just put my thoughts out there without judgement. Sure I could rant on FB,and blindly believe my friends and loved ones would love me through all of my truths and not pass judgement. That would be idiotic. I like the fact that on here I can be anybody. Most importantly, I can be ME! The real- selfish, self conscious, boastful, loving, loyal, insane, funny, talented, helplessly apologetic,totally judgemental, non-judgemental, open minded, and completely ass backward self. I, for once do not care who likes me, or what any one of you readers thinks of me. There is not one, NOT ONE time in my life that I can recall where I was able to be nothing less and nothing more than me. I thought I was starting a journey that would lead me to share my outermost intimate side. I had no idea it would lead to me sharing my innermost intimate side. By the time this chapter has reached its conclusion, there shouldn’t be anything about myself I haven’t given myself the opportunity to explore. I’m more excited for life, and exploration of it than I’ve been. That’s a lot coming from me. I’ve decided that although I will be discussing my life intimately, and hopefully completely honestly, only some parts will be included. Other than my “about me” my family will not be mentioned much if at all. Of course kam will be ever present, but just him. As a mom, hairdresser, gf, daughter, sister, maid, cook, teacher, lover, and fighter, there is zero opportunity in my life for me to be me. None of those rolls have my name anywhere in them. They are titles. Characters I play in life. Molding myself into whatever is needed for the moment, hour, or day. When I do get a moment, I bury my face in a book. Again, making myself into another character. Never being myself. When I write these words, I am me. It’s as if I’ve been released of a 36 year sentence in solitary confinement. If even one person reads, I`m no longer solitary.