You probably haven’t noticed yet, but you soon may. I will go through days where I have so much on my brain I will likely post several times a day. The words will flow so rapidly I often lose track of what subject I began writing about before I even finish writing. Other days like today, I don’t have much, nor do I want to say much. These are my low days. Where I would like to just sit in my room, phone on silent and Netflix it up for a good 48 or so hours. See the difference between my bipolar diagnosis and the most common diagnosis is that mine has a little “-type2” right behind the diagnosis. Meaning that like most people who suffer from bipolar, I get horrible periods of depression. Unlike most, though, I don’t get the mania or “highs” many patients describe. They will go through periods of feeling completely amazing. Like they are flying on cloud 9. They seem to feel almost indestructible. All before crashing down into the lowest states of depression a person could imagine. Imagine a happiness depression scale that goes from 1-10. 1 being the lowest place of depression. The suicidal part. Imagine 10 being the happiest you could possibly imagine yourself. Like everything is absolutely perfect in life, and there is zero way anything could possibly go wrong to change it. You have no worries at all. Normal people would probably say they normally range between maybe 4 and 8 right? I’m just guessing here, there is no science behind these numbers, just my educated opinion. Bipolar type 1 patients would likely say they range the entire scale, and up and down and up and down. Bipolar type 2-ME- I would say I range everywhere from 1 to 5. My “highs” are only high in relation to my baseline which I would say is about a 3. I don’t feel suicidal normally, but feeling true joy seems to be beyond my emotional capacities. Even when I’m properly medicated. Thankfully, the diagnosis also means for me that I have less of the dangerous thrill-seeking behavior so may BP’s suffer from. Although clearly, some of that behavior still exists, whether it be from my mental illness or if is is just part of my personality. Which in my opinion can be quite intertwined, A mental illness does not define a person, but I believe that the illness does affect many of the ways we experience life, there in part helping shape ourselves and personalities…blah blah blah. sorry for that.
Anyway on my good days, I want to write, think, discuss, and delve. On my bad days…well I’ll see you on my good days.
Just a thought, I started wrtiting to chronicle my mission into amateur pornography, and it seems that it is morphing into me taking a deeper look into my own sickness. It’s not what I set out for, but it’s what is happening. I feel I must be true to whatever path this takes. You may get some of this, you may get some of that