I have a confession…I’m bipolar… and have major anxiety.   and also ADD. and ptsd 

Yes, those are all very real diagnosis for me. I know what you’re thinking “clearly this is the reason for the over sexualized behavior” but these are diagnosis I have lived with for over 10 years, and although it is often a symptom of bipolar, it has never been a symptom of mine. Quite opposite has been true for me. I’ve kept myself mostly closed off sexually all of my life. Being raised Christian, a huge amount of guilt was instilled in me, surrounding all things sexual. I was a prude. Even as a stripper, I never made much money, because I believe I had a difficult time faking the enjoyment of simulated sexual arousment. It’s hard to fake sexy, when you have no clue what the hell sexy even is nor what it would look or feel like. Because of my past un-sexual behavior, I have a difficult time believing that these mental disabilities are the reason behind the very strong urge I have to perform sexual acts live on Webcam. I’ve never had the want before. Not to say I’ve never taken nude pics. But when I did, I definitely did not want to. Don’t worry, I was an adult and not forced. Just pressured. Now when i take a nude, I’m immediately turned on. The kinkier, the better. Is it possible that at age 36 I actually have reached a sexual peak and I’m just ready to experience sex at a very intense level, in an attempt to sexually “catch up”

Confusion

Told Kam I think I’m gay this morning. Late night he told me they being with me was like being in a soap opera. THESE ARE THE DAYS OF OUR LIVES…  He says he won’t be my guinea pig, while I figure out what  the fuck it is that I want. This all started last night after I got home from work and will of my fun packages had arrived, including his mask. That meant we both now had masks and could make a video together, without being known. I was excited for the prospect. He was not. His lack of excitement depressed me, but I decided to go ahead at get myself ready last night so I could take some more explicit pics of myself for my newly started amateur page on xtube. I got ready. I took some pics by myself, and then attempted to get Kam involved. Nada. So I just stopped. Cleaned off the make up. Removed the wig. Went to bed. I laid there thinking all night, why? Why do I want this so badly. Enough to let it affect my relationship. I came to the conclusion that I must be going through some type of sexual break through, and am some how trying to actually physically manifest this revolution, live on cam. I decided I must be gay. I’ve been with woman before. I’m not against it. I currently can’t stand the thought of fucking any man other than kam. So I must be gay, right? But still.. I’m not even sure of that. 

Diarrhea 

My god, having this blog has erupted some sort of verbal diarrhea from within me. All of my life I have watched and listened to those around me,all of them and their continuous never-ending lingual egresses. Always thinking, “how can anyone have so much to say about absolutely nothing” It occurred to me today that this is one way. I have these pent up thoughts and emotions. I was raised to not show emotion. It’s weakness. Or as I found, emotions are really just very annoying to dads, bf’s, men in general. You can’t super glue an emotion and fix it. Excuse me as I ramble, BUT, it hits me that this is likely the very reason men enjoy pornography so readily. Zero emotion. Could be the reason it is usually far less enjoyed by women. Do we see in the actresses the exact stuffing down of emotion many of us women were taught, as a survival method? It’s a thought I suppose. All of these are thoughts circling my brain. All of the time. 

Arousal

Why are humans aroused when we see other humans engaged in sexual intercourse. So much so, that millions of people are willing to pay money to see it. I don’t understand why there is such a negative stigma put on a person,if this person is willing to allow other people to view them while engaged in sexual activities. It’s fairly accepted that most people have viewed pornographic material at least once as adults, and many view it often. So why then are porn stars held in such low reguard in our society? They are simply producing a product that is very high in demand. Or is this what I tell myself when I feel that bity tickle of guilt start to creep in.

Brain Pop

Since my first posting last night, I’ve been consumed of thoughts of my blogging about as much as im thinking about doing porn. Is it the fact that both of these acts are completely liberating? In the fact that I bare to win unknown audience a nakedness of myself? I’ve never felt a desire to let anyone in really. Why now? Why so extreme? 

HI! I’m 36 year old, mother of 2, aspiring Amateur Porn model! How the F does that happen?

IM SCREAMING AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS “LET ME OUT!” And my vagina is screaming “LET ME CUM”!!OK, now that I’ve gotten that out…whew. I go by Kikikam. This is a new tag name for me. I’ve just invented it recently when I decided that I wanted to become an online amateur porn model. NO, I’m not on drugs. Other than a little weed. No, I am not an underage girl who is being forced into this life by a pimp. No, I was not molested as a child. No, I do not have “daddy” issues and do not feel the need to gain attention from men. My childhood was not what most would call average, but it wasn’t the type of life most people would think would drive someone into an industry that some find to be demeaning and offensive to women. I’m sure throughout my rantings, I will delve into my own childhood much deeper than maybe even I am planning. I am promising myself to be as honest and forthcoming as possible when I do these writings. Because I am going to try and be honest, which once you get to know me you will see, is and can be work for me, I am going to be putting my efforts into my honesty, and less into proper grammar or sentence structure. I am going to try and allow the words to flow from me organically, and try to not control where they go. If it comes across as confusing, or not linear, please forgive me. Tonight in my first writing I would like to accomplish 2 things. First I would like to explain where my name Kikikam came from. Second, I am going to begin this story as properly as possible by giving just a bit of back story on myself. Let’s start with the latter. First I’m a 36-year-old woman from Washington State. I have 2 children. I am married but separated. I do have a boyfriend, who I have been with for 2.5 years. Me, my children and my boyfriend all live together. To earn money for my family I have been a hairstylist for the past 10 years. I truly love doing what I do. I actually have fun at work, most days. I don’t have any intention of quitting this job at any time, but lately, I’ve been very seriously thinking about becoming an amateur porn model. On the side, to make a little extra money, on the side is what I’ve been telling myself. I’m starting to wonder more and more though if it’s really because it is a HUGE turn on for me. Trust me, making some money would be awesome, but the thought of random strangers watching me while I… well you know, it drives me sexually insane. It’s all I think about anymore.Most of my adult hood , I have had a satisfactory sex life. I’ve had no complaints. Until now. I never realized how sexually liberating I was allowed to be with myself. I no longer feel the need to be approved of. I want to put it out there and be proud of what I am. What it looks like, extra pounds and all. This all started about a year ago when my bf and i were really going through a hard time financially. In my younger years, I had been an exotic dancer but after I became pregnant with my daughter, I quit dancingand had ZERO plans of ever returning. It is a dirty, lonely, mournful life, that could drive any sane person to consider suicide. I know. I DID. The one positive I did gain from exotic dancing was that it made me be NOT ME. I learned to put on a mask and as they say “fake it til you make it”. Since childhood I had always been the most shy child. I was always the wall flower, and eventually ended up being severly bullied by the time I got to high school. I always hated that I was to shy, nervous and quiet to ever stick up for myself. Well as a stripper, if you don’t grow a thick skin extremely quick, you can kiss your mental stability good-bye! I learned to fight back. I was no longer a shy little girl when I walked off that stripper stage for the last time. People didn’t pick on me anymore. Now because I had this background in “adult entertainment” and was also realizing how accessible the internet was making everything a thought occurred to me. Why not record myself and my partner having sex , and allow people to watch. For a price of course. I had no idea how to go about this, and I still needed to see how my bf felt about “putting it all out there”. The thing you guys should know about my bf who we will call Kam, is that he can be jealous. overprotective. Posessive I believe. So when I broached the subject of allowing other men to see me naked via webcam, I was ready for a war. I got… nada. It was underwelming. Kind of a “meh”. I dropped the subject after that. We got through our fincancial crisis, through other alley ways and the subject wasn’t brought up again. Until about 1 month ago. As I said, I work as a hairstylist. It’s a very physical job, and at my age all of the aches and pains catch up with you and you never seem to be able to shake them again. I find it is not possible for me to work 5 days a week and maintain physical health. I work 3-4 days week, which with 2 children works out quite well. Recently I’m finding though that during the day when my kids are at school and I’ve got all of the housework done, I’m getting bored at home. I picked up hours at work but ended up injuring my shoulder, from over working it. so I cut my hours. Then got bored again. That little thought started working its way into my head again. Amateur Porn. I asked Kam again what he felt. He was apprehensive at first but saw how much I really wanted to give it a shot. He gave his ok, and he said we could try making a video. He had some conditions, though. It had to be anonymous. He doesn’t want anyone to ever recognize me or himself. I think mostly he worries about someone he knows, seeing me naked. Let’s be honest, no one would want that for themselves either. I have to remind myself of that, instead of being quick to point out that he’s being his old possessive self (to be discussed in the future also). Anyway, so he wants us wearing masks. I’m ok with this rule. He also wants me to have zero contact with any possible clients. Whether it be messaging,texting or talking. This I don’t agree with. How am I supposed to generate clients? Also, and this is this biggest issue of all, he wants NO LIVE VIDEO. Even if we are masked and disguised head to to, this for some reason makes his completely uncomfortable. In my mide, what is the difference between recording a vid, and then uploading it 15 mins later and the world sees it. Or, they see it now. Either way, it will be seen. For me this is the biggest issue. Because for me, the biggest turn on in all of this is the thought of someone else getting pleasure from seeing me recieving pleasure at the exact same time. There is something completely erotic in that. So for Kam, because this turns me on, does he feel im cheating on him some how? This is the question I am going to have to try to answer. I agreed to the rules, and we made a video and did a little photo shoot of me, to put up for profile pics. Making the video was very much arousing. I loved every minute, and couldn’t WAIT to post the video. So, I posted it. And waited. It takes days for the site to upload. I’m still waiting, which is why I decided to start blogging about this. I just had so much running through my mind, and thought that it sounded just interesting enough that maybe someone else might follow along on a journey where a 36 year old mom of 2 hairdresser, with a slightly overbearing and jealous bf becomes an amateur porn model. For the fun of it. Now the name Kikikam. Ju st a little tidbit i guess. Probably no one really cares, but oh well, my blog my rules. When I was a stripper, I went by the name of Kiki. As much as I hated stripping, my alter ego Kiki took no shit. She kicked ass. She’s the survivor part of me. Now I want to take total control of my past. Using Kiki in my porn name is me taking back my past and turning it into what I want it to be. Not something I live ashamed of. Kikikam, whatever happens to me (her?) whether her porn career end here on this blog, or she (I?) make $5, or make a load of money and have some of the most satisfying sexual experiences of my life, at least it is something I am doing of my own free will and want. I FINALLY am going to explore my sexuality, and I’m going to attempt to do it online, in front of hopefully many people. Follow my experiences as I delve into this very different adult workd.

 

Kikikam