I was so sure yesterday. Then Kam made love to me last night, while we watched porn. A fairly new thing for us. I was completely aroused by Kam. I was also completely aroused by the chick in the flick (who by the way looked VERY similar to myself, a fact I enjoyed immensely. HOW SELF CENTERED IS THAT?!) so I guess that puts me back at bi-sexual. Which was where I was when Kam and I had that discussion when we first got together.
I thought for sure that had to be the driving factor behind me wanting to get into making porn at home. Perhaps I’m just over thinking all of it. Maybe I’m just a grown woman who has become much more comfortable with her body and sexuality, and see a market out there I feel I should be tapping into. Why keep asking why?
Kam and I have decided to make a video when our new go-pro cam comes in. He seems to be more comfortable with the camera being on his person. He has more sense of control, I suppose. He’s still not ok with doing live cam, although last night we tried out some live caming, and after seeing how little the girls actually do, he seems to be warming up to the idea.
On another note, for some reason I have taken to this blogging like no other. I’ve had so many therapists tell me I need to journal, or diary daily. I have attempted several times, never making it more than one day and one page. I’ve now blogged (which to all of you real bloggers I am so sorry for even really referring to myself as a blogger, I know I am a terrible writer, and I probably break like every blogging rule that exsists. Truly I would call my writing “jornaling of random brain pops”) for 3 days in a row now. Putting more out into the universe about myself than is even contained in my years old fb page. It feels amazing. The feeling of liberation I get from it is quitcomparablele to the feeling of freedom I get from performing sexual acts on camera. Its quite enlightening really. THE DAMN DOCTORS WERE RIGHT! for fucks sake.
To clear some things up, I’d like to include some more information on my diagnosis. Like I mentioned before, I’ve been living with these conditions for many years. I’ve been completely honest with kam since the beginning and he too suffers from his own issues. There is no judgement from his part. When I was first diagnosed I knew nothing of theses illnesses, nor did I understand how major the meds that you have to be on are. I bounced on and off meds for years. Playing a guinea pig,trying to figure out what works. Moving often, losing insurances, changing jobs. All of those things have managed to keep me from properly taking my meds. Until recently. 9 months ago I found a more stable place in my life. I’m now properly medicated. This is what has surprised me the most about all of the feelings and urges I’m having to publicly put myself on display in order to arouse others. The meds seem to me to be working. I feel a calm within I haven’t felt… maybe ever. Im thinking the meds are working so well, I’m now able to listen to my self. My imaginings. My longings. Things that were just a fluttering of a thought before are now able to be heard loud and clear.
Yes, those are all very real diagnosis for me. I know what you’re thinking “clearly this is the reason for the over sexualized behavior” but these are diagnosis I have lived with for over 10 years, and although it is often a symptom of bipolar, it has never been a symptom of mine. Quite opposite has been true for me. I’ve kept myself mostly closed off sexually all of my life. Being raised Christian, a huge amount of guilt was instilled in me, surrounding all things sexual. I was a prude. Even as a stripper, I never made much money, because I believe I had a difficult time faking the enjoyment of simulated sexual arousment. It’s hard to fake sexy, when you have no clue what the hell sexy even is nor what it would look or feel like. Because of my past un-sexual behavior, I have a difficult time believing that these mental disabilities are the reason behind the very strong urge I have to perform sexual acts live on Webcam. I’ve never had the want before. Not to say I’ve never taken nude pics. But when I did, I definitely did not want to. Don’t worry, I was an adult and not forced. Just pressured. Now when i take a nude, I’m immediately turned on. The kinkier, the better. Is it possible that at age 36 I actually have reached a sexual peak and I’m just ready to experience sex at a very intense level, in an attempt to sexually “catch up”
Told Kam I think I’m gay this morning. Late night he told me they being with me was like being in a soap opera. THESE ARE THE DAYS OF OUR LIVES… He says he won’t be my guinea pig, while I figure out what the fuck it is that I want. This all started last night after I got home from work and will of my fun packages had arrived, including his mask. That meant we both now had masks and could make a video together, without being known. I was excited for the prospect. He was not. His lack of excitement depressed me, but I decided to go ahead at get myself ready last night so I could take some more explicit pics of myself for my newly started amateur page on xtube. I got ready. I took some pics by myself, and then attempted to get Kam involved. Nada. So I just stopped. Cleaned off the make up. Removed the wig. Went to bed. I laid there thinking all night, why? Why do I want this so badly. Enough to let it affect my relationship. I came to the conclusion that I must be going through some type of sexual break through, and am some how trying to actually physically manifest this revolution, live on cam. I decided I must be gay. I’ve been with woman before. I’m not against it. I currently can’t stand the thought of fucking any man other than kam. So I must be gay, right? But still.. I’m not even sure of that.
My god, having this blog has erupted some sort of verbal diarrhea from within me. All of my life I have watched and listened to those around me,all of them and their continuous never-ending lingual egresses. Always thinking, “how can anyone have so much to say about absolutely nothing” It occurred to me today that this is one way. I have these pent up thoughts and emotions. I was raised to not show emotion. It’s weakness. Or as I found, emotions are really just very annoying to dads, bf’s, men in general. You can’t super glue an emotion and fix it. Excuse me as I ramble, BUT, it hits me that this is likely the very reason men enjoy pornography so readily. Zero emotion. Could be the reason it is usually far less enjoyed by women. Do we see in the actresses the exact stuffing down of emotion many of us women were taught, as a survival method? It’s a thought I suppose. All of these are thoughts circling my brain. All of the time.
Why are humans aroused when we see other humans engaged in sexual intercourse. So much so, that millions of people are willing to pay money to see it. I don’t understand why there is such a negative stigma put on a person,if this person is willing to allow other people to view them while engaged in sexual activities. It’s fairly accepted that most people have viewed pornographic material at least once as adults, and many view it often. So why then are porn stars held in such low reguard in our society? They are simply producing a product that is very high in demand. Or is this what I tell myself when I feel that bity tickle of guilt start to creep in.
I’m warm work. I’m cutting hair. I can think of nothing but masturbating on camera. I’ve put in an order for masks, and wigs. They are supposed to arrive today. I’m hoping to do a shoot tonight. I’m not sure k am is ready or up for it. Am I wrong if I push? Do I deny my own wants? The questions!